I enjoyed talking and having a script made me feel like I could relax without having to make any stupid heavy-handed flirty small talk. ![]() I couldn't shake the fact that we were so different. "I liked the structure of the questions, but at the end, things fell apart. I think that the exercise made for a very satisfying experience, and so far the two times that I've tried this have made for WAY better dates than any others I've been on this year." -a user on Reddit "Before the date she said, 'We probably don't have all that much in common, but I'll meet up anyway.' After the date her position had moved to the opposite, that we might even have too much in common. It made the DTR ('define a relationship') seem immediately necessary as opposed to us taking the time to discover what made us a good match." -Julianna Young, via Zappos What should have been something new and experimental became something with a sense of urgency. It made the relationship seem more serious than it was. I think the exercise actually inhibited us. Do we have a second date? I don't know yet." -Liu Kai Ying, via Zula While I didn't fall head over heels in love that night, I wouldn't mind getting to know this person better. "At the end of the night, I felt as if I knew this guy better than I know my best friend. The questions have been used in many other psychology studies, from helping married couples get closer to each other to helping people reduce racial prejudice. That said, as Elaine Aron notes in a Psychology Today blog post, the questions weren't specifically designed to help people fall in love-they're simply about creating closeness. This combination of self-disclosure, perceived similarities, and being open to getting close to each other is what's been found to accelerate the creation of feelings of closeness and intimacy. The questions are designed to help two people gradually reveal more and more about themselves, as well as identify ways in which they're similar to each other and say the things they like about each other out loud. "The core of the method we developed was to structure such self-disclosure between strangers." "One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personalistic self-disclosure," the Arons and their fellow researchers write in the paper. At the end of the experiment, the pairs were asked to spend four uninterrupted minutes staring into each other's eyes. In 1997, the team published a paper in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin describing a series of experiments in which they asked pairs of strangers (or, in one version of the experiment, pairs of college classmates) to take turns asking each other each of the 36 questions. The 36 questions were developed by a team of researchers led by Arthur Aron, Ph.D., and Elaine Aron, Ph.D., two psychologists (husband and wife) who have spent decades researching how attraction, intimacy, and romantic love form. ![]() Also, ask your partner to reflect to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why? After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet? What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? Tell your partner something that you like about them already. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? ![]() ![]() Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life. Tell your partner what you like about them be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling."Ĭomplete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share."
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